A few weeks ago when my mom spoke at Reverb, she threw out a free good thoughts for couples that I’d like to share with you:  these apply to the men, but I’m sure there is a flip-side for the ladies.  Two big things stuck out:

1. Men- with women, sometimes the feeling is bigger than the issue.  Don’t shut down her emotions.  Let her feel.

2. A woman once got all dolled up for a date with her husband.  She did her nails, curled her hair, put on makeup and her best jewelry, picked it her most attractive outfit…and the husband didn’t say a word.  But when they arrived at the restaurant, he quickly got out and took the time to re-adjust the hood emblem on his car.

The moral of the story:  Take the time to notice her.  Tell her she looks beautiful within 5 seconds of seeing her and you’ll probably never go wrong.

For women, I’d say… 1. Let him think. 2. Change ‘beautiful’ to ’studly’!

Another little intimacy habit that Michelle and I have decided to develop drives most people nuts:

we kiss at every red light.

There are 5 big reasons why we do this…

1.  We like smoochin.

2.  Red lights are like taxes and death…guaranteed.  That means guaranteed kisses on a regular basis.

3. Red lights suck.  They are very boring.  This spices them up and makes them go by wayyy faster.

4. It elicits some interesting reactions from the people behind you.  It reminds some people to kiss.  Others honk. Everyone grins.  (Except if it turns green and we’re still going.  Not going.)

5. It’s just one more way to connect regularly and intimately.

How are you developing little, regular intimacy habits in your marriage?  I’d love to hear your ideas.

I know…I’m young…I’ve been married for less than a year.  But I think I have found a fool-proof way to prove myself right when I’m arguing with my spouse.  This will work every single time you have an argument and you KNOW that you’re right.

It’s called ‘waiting’.

About a month ago, Michelle and I were having a little bit of an argument about which end was the top of our bedspread’s slipcover.  I knew that how she had it was upside down.  And I let her know it.
Of course, she got defensive very quickly, and insisted I was wrong- “Jay, how many of these have you had?  I’ve had a bunch, I know it’s right.“  Whatever.  I knew she was wrong and I was right, but it wasn’t worth fighting about.

About three weeks later, as we were making the bed, she sheepishly grinned and said, ‘Umm baby…so you were right about the slipcover.”

I responded in my most godly manner: “OH SNAP!  I knew you were wrong.  Completely clueless!  I was right  the whole time.  I didn’t even need to tell you, I was so confident.  Serves you right.  Now you’re in your place, you lesser human species.”

Just kidding.  Actually, I didn’t really respond.  I wanted my wife to save face.  I’d gotten my way in the end.  She’d proven me right.  But it wasn’t a big deal either way.  Our relationship is more important than my ‘rights’.

When you fight, your pride flares up.  You both start attacking each on other issues.

Waiting is hard.  It’s hard because I have to resist the urge to prove myself.

We must resist the urge to make our spouses feel inferior to us.

We must stop making your spouse feel shame.

Stop proving your point.  It’s not YOUR point anyway.

Why rub it in?  You were right anyway.

When we rub it in, we’re just abusing the one we claim to love.

SO not worth it.

So quit it.

But when we allow patience to rule….when we resist the urge to berate…when we let them safe face-  we actually become the good guy instead of the bad guy.   We grow together.  We show that we love the other person more than we love our smug ability to occasionally know what’s what.  We build a trust that says ‘I value you more than I value me.” And now, for those very very few occasions where you actually might be wrong- you rest easy knowing that your spouse will be just as grace-filled with you and your mistakes.

Welcome to marital bliss baby.

(p.s. we wrote this together)

Every night of the week that Michelle is home, I take off her clothes before bed.

Seriously.

It’s probably one of our most intimate moments of the day.  We do it every night.  And for the record, we don’t just do this on nights that we make love.

I do it because I love her.  I do it with zero expectation.  With no ulterior motives.  We do it because it’s a very intimate way to end your day.

Husbands, do you ever serve your wive’s in physical yet non-sexual ways?
Wives, do you allow your husband to enjoy the body that he (does indeed) now own… and possess… and is completely obsessed with?! (it works both ways of course)

Are you, as a couple, developing small, regular, intimacy-building habits? Besides sex, do you have activities that daily draw you closer to each other?

Start creating some of these regular moments together.

Your marriage will thank you for it.

A few weeks ago, Michelle and I saw The International in theatres.  There was one line that I wrote down on my crackberry that was really good.  The one bad guy was talking to the other bad guy.  The first bad guy said something about trusting the other bad guy.  The other (worse) bad guy responded with”

“There is a difference between trust and mutual interest.”

Oh snap.  I never want my marriage to simply be based on ‘mutual interest’…  Fun.  Relative ease.  Kids.  Making Payments.  Making family happy.  Standard of living.  Sharing costs. Common goals.  Safe things.

I want my marriage to be about trust… Secrets.  Calling.  Living for Jesus.  Abandoning ourselves to each other.  Passwords.  Money.  Faith.  Hope.  Love.  Daring dreams.  Dangerous things.

There is a difference between trust and mutual interest.  While both are necessary, build trust.